The fast and the expletive deleted

So, I got grumpy today due to traffic. It seems that there's only so much stupid I can take, apparently. Of course, my guides don't agree with my policy of yelling out curse words at other drivers. I received a challenge today from Kali to not look at the clock while driving to channeling class. I thought I was late and I was getting frustrated with traffic, so she simply said, "Drive friendly, pay attention to the road, do not look at the clock. You will get there on time." And I told her, WTF? It's 20 till and I'm stuck behind some guy going 30 in a 50. Of course, when you taunt the Goddess of TIME with a stupid comment, you get a snarky response and I got, "Time means nothing, and I can change it. So can you. Time only exists so that you can figure out how to layout the flow of your life. Otherwise, you should not concern yourself with it. What you need to do is pay attention to the road."

So I did.

And I got there with a few minutes to spare. Safely. Without screaming at anyone else.

Lesson learned? I suppose not since Saraswati issued the following addendum when I got home:

"It is an interesting time. A very interesting time indeed. So many changes are occurring; can you feel them? Of course, some of you can - others have their heads jammed up the ass of their cell phone. Be present! And don't just be present, it's not enough to say, "I am here." You must also actually BE here. Experience the moment you are in. Try not to label it. Try not to explain it.

"How often have you seen a beautiful flower and thought or said, "that's a beautiful flower"? Why must you say anything at all. Just marvel in it. Look at it, smell it, touch the velvet of the petals, smile. Be. Exist. Exist with the flower.

"Exist with each other. If you're driving while holding your cell phone in one hand and a coffee in the other whilst steering with your knee...you are only acknowledging your own existence. If you are coherent of the fact that you are driving a giant piece of rolling metal at break-neck speeds and that if you do not pay attention to what you are doing you could destroy the life and health of yourself and/or others, then you are acknowledging that you are connected. In that moment, you are connected. BE connected. BE present.

"There is so much anger that arises due to what happens in the car. Let yourself become aware and you will see that anger go down. It will dissipate. Yelling at the person who cut you off will resolve nothing. It may actually cause more anger and it only reinforces the anger that you are feeling. It fosters a sense of wrong-doing. Instead, be vigilant. Be submissive. Be aware. Pay attention. Let the universe flow through you and feel the flow of the universe as you allow it behind the wheel with you. Relax. Know that you do not have to rush. You do not have to hurry. Just BE.

"How do you start a revolution on the road? How do you minimize anger and pain during rush hour? Just be. Be that change that you would like to see and, eventually, others will follow."

**********

Considering I now do about eight hours a week of driving, I suppose this is well timed. Otherwise I'd end up batshit crazy within a few weeks. I'm sharing because it's universally relevant. Hope it helps others as well.

Song for space clearing ritual is complete and can be heard here:

http://www.box.net/shared/n5rxyypoge

Warning - was recorded on a crappy microphone, you may have to adjust the volume on your speakers to hear it properly.

Here are the lyrics:

I am the light that burns through the night
I am the angelic voice of the Gods
I am
I am

I am the virtue which rescues the damned
I am the hope and the heart of the light
I am
I am

I am the lion and I am the lamb
I am the sacrifice for all men
I am
I am

I am the earth and I am the sea
I am the name which banishes strife
I am
I am

Release all your fears and rest here in me
Make of this space a temple of peace
I am
I am
I am

An evening with Kali

The last few months I've been living in a semi-permanent state of denial about things in my life that desperately need to change, the worst of these being my health. I've used stress at work as an excuse not to move forward - not to change. With perfect conviction, I've uttered all kinds of ridiculous fictions like, "I need to eat this cake because it will make me feel better and once I get things settled down at work I'll moderate my eating," or, "I'm eating drive-thru fried chicken because I'm too stressed out to cook." And I believed every word of it.

Please don't get the idea that my goal was to excuse away bad behavior in eating, because that's not the case at all. I truly don't like eating nasty fried fast food. I do enjoy cake, but only in moderation. I want to exercise because it actually makes me feel good. So, what was I trying to excuse by binge-eating? My guides knew.

Monday evening, I arrived at work early and decided to wait in my car rather than go in before my start time. I had been avoiding speaking with my guides for days because I felt a certain expectant energy with them and had been seeking to avoid confrontation. They saw straight through my bulls*#t months ago, but I hadn't been willing to go there. As I sat in my car, I succumbed to the quiet reminders to spend time with them and I sat back and closed my eyes.

And, for only the second time since Tiamat's message, I imagined my self as big as my car, as big as the parking garage, as big as the corporate campus, as big as the block, as big as the city, as big as the state, as big as the country, as big as the continent, as big as the hemisphere, as big as the world, as big as the solar system, as big as the galaxy, as big as the universe, and then I imagined my self as moving beyond the universe. Strange thing about that: up until I imagined beyond the boundaries of the universe, my self was ever expansive; but the minute that I moved beyond, everything crashed back in upon me and I was the observer. The monkey-mind remained, but the thoughts just kind of bubbled to the surface and drifted away and I watched them with unattached curiosity. It was in this state that I finally saw Tiamat in her entirety. Up until this point, I'd only ever seen parts of her but now I saw everything. She was perfect, but smaller than my awareness since I'd moved to a space that encompassed her. She nuzzled me with her maw and explained that she only appeared to have one head because my consciousness was in a space that didn't need to see her as multiple entities. She then explained that her form wasn't truly static at all, it only existed because it's what I needed to see and that she was not what I needed to see. She then morphed into Kali.

Kali, who has insisted upon taking my form the last few times I've spoken with her - not as I am, but as I am meant to be. Well. Healthy. Free from addiction and inflammation. Free from illness and self-deprecation. She smiled and sat cross-legged before me, Kali who moves between that which is and that which is not. She asked me if I am ready to invite her into me. I told her that I would like for her to help me face my day without fear and to protect me from making myself small while I'm at work, because I've been feeling so small. She nodded and told me that her idea of freeing me from fear and protecting me may be very different than what I had in mind. I told her that I am ready. She shifted and turned and sat upon my lap, her energy sinking into mine until we were one.

I opened my eyes and headed into work.

I felt taller somehow and I mentioned this to her. She laughed and told me that didn't surprise her. I wondered why no one noticed that I had such a different energy; something in me found this alarming. Most of the employees were leaving as I arrived for my night shift and there was something in their eyes, it was not recognition, it was exhaustion, it was depression, it was death. Some of them smiled at me, and in their eyes, I saw joy, but it is present in only so few. So few people with joy in their eyes.

When I arrived in the office, I approached my manager to get my seat assignment and I expected that when I opened my mouth to speak with him, a powerful voice would emit. That's not what happened. Some strange mousy voice eeked into the space and I witnessed it like I was watching a train wreck and couldn't stop it. And I was disgusted. I got some water and started my work and entered into the next few conversations expecting something different, with the same result. Nausea and a headache began to set in. I excused myself and sat in the restroom and wondered what was happening. In my gut I knew the answer. I was seeing myself, witnessing myself, without the excuses to protect me. At the time I couldn't put the feeling into words, but I now know that I saw how I was acting and I understood why I was acting that way. If I showed how powerful I was in this place, they would devour me. Not because it was a bad place, not because they were bad people, but because they desperately needed a strong energy to come in and fix things. But I was not to be that person. My energy was not meant for this task. I was in the wrong place.

That night was one for introspection. Where else in my life had I been either hiding or misappropriating my energy? How was it affecting my health? How was it affecting my spirit? Today I started making changes, which involved turning in notice at my job. Regardless of how well something pays, I can't afford to let the misuse of my energy affect my health. She's still with me, Kali, her energy simmering gently below the surface of my form. Restless. Anticipating. Ready for change. Ready to move forward.

Excerpts from conversation with Kuan Yin

What follows are excerpts of a channeled conversation that I had with Kuan Yin 7/28/10:

"You’ve been so hard upon yourself. Upon your body. Upon your soul. And upon your heart. Do not allow the love to fade so quickly, surround yourself with it. And surround yourself with compassion - for yourself. First. Yes, other people deserve your compassion as well, but, you have to start with yourself. If you cannot respect and love and find compassion for yourself then you can never truly respect, love and find compassion for others.

"You focus so often on the negative things that you choose not to see the positive. Worse than that, you choose not to see what actually –is- because even seeing the positive of things sometimes brings you into the past or into the future. Just enjoy what’s in the moment that you are in right now. And forgive yourself when you stray to the past or the future as you so often do. When you deal with problems, you’re dealing with the past. When you seek solutions, you have a tendency to jump into the future - when the solutions aren’t in the future, they‘re in the present.

"Your road will be a difficult one because while you move forward with the light of compassion and love for yourself and others, other people may shrink away from you. And they do this not because you are unworthy and not because you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing, but because they may not be ready to look into that mirror and see themselves. They may not be ready to go towards the light. It’s interesting how close to death that awakening can be. And so, as you move forward, if you find that anyone steps back and away from you, or that they accost you or treat you uncompassionately, know this: they do not do so because of anything you have done wrong, they do so because they are not ready to see that light in themselves and it scares them.

"Though times may be tough ahead, know this: that you are always surrounded by love and that you are never alone. Think about it. You are never alone. We will never leave you, even if you told us to shut up and go away and never come back again we’re not going to leave you. We’ll stop talking to you if you don’t want to listen, but we’d never leave you and we hope you’d never ask us to. Just know this: you’re never alone. You’re always loved. And you are beautiful and worthy. You’re worthy. You are worthy of being an expression of the divine. You- with your strange freckles. You- with your glasses. You- with your curly hair. Even you while you’re overweight and inflamed and sick. You are still worthy of being an expression of God’s love and that will never change. Never."

Excerpts from conversation with Saraswati

What follows are excerpts of a channeled conversation that I had with Saraswati 7/28/10 - I've slightly edited this post for language because I don't want to have to put an over 18 block on my blog and she curses juuuuust a bit:

"Look. The thing is that when you sing, when you write poetry, when you dance (even though you think you dance horribly – like a giant elephant), when you do Kung Fu, when you perform any kind of movement or outward expression of creativity at all you are embodying the creator. Ah, not just the little creator gods that exist inside of this universe. Not the minions that keep the inside of the universe going, no-no-no-no-no-no-no. As Tiamat explained to you, that which is beyond the universe is the true creator and the universe is its expression. So, when you express yourself you are embodying the ultimate creator. Why would you be ashamed of that, under any circumstance?

"If anyone feels threatened when you express yourself, it is simply because they have made themselves small. And, interestingly enough, that feeling of threat isn’t actually a threat at all. They’re not feeling threatened, they’re not feeling threatened at all. What they’re really feeling is a warning sign. A warning sign: it’s there as an alarm to go off and say “Look! That person’s connected to something that I should be connected to, why am I disconnected?” Everything in existence where flow stops: any feeling of pain, or discomfort in your body, any feeling of anxiety or fear, you know what it is? It’s not something that you’ve got draped over you that you have to throw off, no-no-no, it’s a warning sign. It’s an alarm that’s going off and it’s telling you “Look! Hey! Pay attention! Something’s f@#ked up.”

"You want to know what happens if you ignore it?

"After a little while, the alarm gets louder. And here you are, and you have all this pain in your body. It’s inflammation, because you let seven or ten different things slide on along and instead of dealing with them you let them go. Well, guess what? The alarm gets louder. The pain increases until you fix it, until you unstop the blockage of the flow of the universe that flows through you.

"The truth is that you don’t need the attention or approval of anyone because you are an expression of the divine and you express the divine into the world. It’s a blessing. Not that everyone should be grateful for it, no one should bow down or cower or really express any kind of gratitude at all. Don’t expect it. It will come, but don’t expect it. Be grateful that you were given the gift to be able to do that. And take heart in the fact that you were created to be an instrument for the divine. Not just any kind of instrument, a Stradivarius. You are the best. You are the best instrument for the divine path which was planned for you and by you. You move through life in an orchestration that was designed only for you; composed only for you.

"It’s your song. And you get to choose how to play it. You even get to choose what kind of instrument you want to play it on. Right now you kind of have chosen to play it on a beaten and battered old nasty tuba, and, if you want to move through life sounding like a dying fart, please, be my guest. It will make me sad, but it will have been your choice. But there are more beautiful things than a beat and battered old tuba. It’s not the instrument you’re intended to be. You were intended to be the crystal clarion call of the divine. The voice of the creator. Be it. Live it. You have the opportunity to choose to be that. You are the angelic voice given form. Don’t f@#k it up by choosing to be a beat and battered old tuba."

Excerpts from conversation with Aphrodite

What follows is an excerpt of a channeled conversation that I had with Aphrodite on 7/28/2010:

"I’m so glad you’ve decided to talk to me. You’ve put it off for a long time. I know: somehow you are concerned about my abhorrent lack of boundaries, this is only to be understood. Humans. You’re so funny because you love boundaries. Look. Boundaries are changeable. Imagine, if you will, the edges of an inland sea. Depending upon where the moon is located, depending upon what the winds are like, depending upon whether or not there’s a drought, depending upon whether or not there’s an excess of water coming down from –say- a mountain, the edges of the sea are going to change. The boundaries are going to change. In fact, take it one step beyond that. Look at the world map, not as lovely land masses and topography, don’t look at that, look at the one with all the boundaries. Look at it now and then look at it twenty years ago, and then look at it twenty years before that. What do you see? Changes. So why is it that you fear my blurring of the lines between boundaries? You fear it because the society that you are living in does not approve of a blurring of those lines. Hmmm…well. Perhaps I am speaking with you now because the time has come for a change. It’s been so long since there’s been a nice change. It’s funny because so many years ago people would have looked into the future and seen things like gay marriage rights and transsexuals and things like that and thought that there was a huge change, but it really isn’t a change all you’ve done is apply boundaries to different groups of people.

"There should be no boundaries in passion, so long as desire is fulfilled amongst parties who are mutually interested. And consenting. Now, granted, even that is an argument in the society you live in today. But we are standing upon an interesting precipice and that precipice is this: to uninhibit the mind, you must uninhibit the body. And if you think that I’m talking only about sex, you are wrong. There are other ways in which the body can move uninhibited: through food or through dance for example. Expressions of passion need to blur boundaries; that’s what they are intended to do. Passion and desire are supposed to take you one step outside of yourself and one step into another person while at the same time remaining within yourself. There’s an interesting conundrum, isn’t it? To be in two places at once. But if you can take your body outside of the physical boundary you’ve created for yourself then you can take your mind outside of it as well. If you can take that emotion outside of it, you can take that feeling outside of it, then your mind can go and your soul can go. There will be a time when the lines will blur and there will be no shame in admiration of beauty regardless of its form. Regardless of its form. And there should be no shame in admiration of beauty. It is sad that the world has become such a closed off place. Granted, it has grown leaps and bounds from where it was, but still so many taboos. And you are thinking only that I’m talking about sex again. I think I’m starting to understand where your fear of my speaking is coming from.

"Think about soulmates for a moment. You , personally, enjoy Paulo Coehlo’s description of a soulmate, but even then his description of a soulmate was still man and woman. And your idea doesn’t quite fit that does it? No. Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that a soulmate is someone who you connect with, even if it’s just for a moment, in this life so that they can open a spiritual door for you. Whether that connection is good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Whether that connection is romantic or platonic, it doesn’t matter. Whether they are someone you meet in a taxi cab as you’re switching on your way to the airport, and they’re on their way out of the cab. Whether it’s someone you marry and spend the rest of your life with. As long as that person was brought into your life to awaken some part of your soul, that person is your soulmate. How many people have you shut out of your life because they’re young and female? Don’t argue, you know it’s true. You never got along with women, not like you do with men. Not like you do with older women. Girls your own age, there’s something about them: turns you wrong, makes you think “Oh, they’re going to judge me!” Or "They’re going to hurt me, they’re going to wound me." Do you know why that is? Because you fall a little bit in love with all of your friends. And the older women that you like, that you do get along with, you see them as your mother. Don’t’ deny it.

"Do you know why people are able to hurt you so? It’s because you fall in love with everyone you meet. Must be difficult to constantly worry that your heart will be broken. Well, the only reason it could be broken is if you believe that you’re not free to fall a little bit in love with everyone you meet. Doesn’t mean that they’re yours. Doesn’t mean that they were meant to be yours. It doesn’t mean that they were meant to be your love. It doesn’t mean that they were meant to be your lover. It does not mean that you were meant to spend your entire life with them. Friends will come and go. Lovers will come and go. Partners, husbands, wives, they’ll come and go. The only thing that is constant is your permission to love. The permission that you give yourself to love. And the only way that you can avoid having your heart broken is by giving yourself that permission without expecting anything in return.

"And yet you do expect things in return because you make yourself so tiny and you cry out for love and attention. And when it doesn’t come to you, you feel betrayed. So, give yourself permission to be big and give yourself permission to love without expecting anything in return. And when that happens, the return will be infinite in nature and in so small of ways will it manifest itself...but it will multiplied beyond that which you can imagine. Do not fear my coming forward, I will say things that people don’t want to hear. And they may seem provocative, but that’s just because people don’t understand that that which we desire and the passion that we feel for ourselves and others is supposed to step one toe over a boundary so that the ripples blur the edge of the pond."

Excerpt from conversation with Tiamat

I had tweeted that I would post the transcripts of recorded conversations that I had with my guides recently...that was before I had transcribed them. Since they are more than 10 pages long in word, I've decided it best to post only excerpts. What follows is an excerpt from my recorded channeling of Tiamat 7/28/10:

"The only difference between your ego and your higher self is that your ego feels vulnerability. And it feels that vulnerability because you’re encompassed in a body that ages and that dies. And that ego senses the end. But there is no end. You may age, and you will die. Whether you age gracefully or not is up to you, but you will die. Your body will die. Your soul will live on. Because what you are physically is a small bit in comparison to what you truly are. You see yourself in the mirror and you see a being that is limited, with boundaries, with edges, with form. You see a body. You don’t see what’s truly there. You have a body solely for the purpose of being able to process sensory information. Sensory information that needs to be categorized to be understood so that you can grow. There are certain things that can only be experienced in a physical form - through multi-dimensional interaction with the physical world. That is all. Your body is there to perceive and to collect information , to collect data, to feel and to interact on a physical level. And the ego identifies with the body because the ego sees the body as itself. But this is not true. You are not your body.. You are not your ego. Your ego and your body are part of the same energy which is part of a bigger energy, which is part of everything.

"On some level, on my level, on our level, on the higher levels of understanding, everything exists all at once, there is no time, there only is what is and what was and what will be only exist in the now. There is no past - there is no future, and every experience that can be experienced is experienced in the bliss of the now. But to truly understand life to truly understand what it is to –be- you must be able to interact, you must be able to delineate between things. In the bible, Adam was to name things. There’s a reason why man names things. It is by identifying with things that we are able to interact with them. And then we gain an understanding of each thing and item and person that we come in contact with. It is folly and illusion to ever begin to believe that there’s truly a difference between each thing and each item and each person. The only thing that is true is the mirage that makes it appear that things are different because in truth they are not.

"Make your ego larger. Send it out. Bring yourself forward into the universe. Imagine that you are bigger than this room. Imagine that you are bigger than this city. Imagine that you are bigger than this state. Imagine that you are bigger than this country. Imagine that you are bigger than this continent. Imagine that you are bigger than this hemisphere. Imagine that you are bigger than this world. Imagine that you are bigger than this solar system. Imagine that you are bigger than this galaxy. Imagine that you are bigger than the universe. Ah! And there’s another boundary there. Because how can you imagine that you are bigger than all that exists? And yet I tell you, you are. Ah ha! Interesting isn’t it. They call it Panentheism I believe. That’s the word that’s rumbling around in your brain. It is true.

"The universe is a manifestation. The universe is an expression. There is a reason why one of your aspects is expression - Saraswati is the embodiment of expression. The universe is an expression of joy. And of desire. The desire to be. The energy that created this expression of the universe and everything that’s in it exists beyond that which is perceivable by any kind of senses or any kind of science. It is an energy of potential. It is an energy unbounded. And it is an energy of immutable joy. I’d like to tell you that God is love, but God is not love in so much that God would love itself. Love is a word that man created. God is. And that which we are, is. Any other words that we attach to it are simply words. Even in saying that the energy is immutable joy doesn’t do it justice.

"All that I can tell you is that when the universe was formed, it was not with a bang, it was with a laugh. And not just any laugh, it was a guffaw. A deep belly soulful laugh. And even that doesn’t do it justice. And it’s funny because Terry Pratchett, you’ve read a book by him, joked about a turtle god who manifested as a burning bush and said “Look what I can do!” Well, he wasn’t so far off. The spirit of the universe, the spirit that created the universe is evident in children. Watch them because, with pride, they hold out what they have done from the smallest of aspects, “Look, I blew a snot bubble. Look what I did!” Seems so small and yet it’s something that they did, that they may not have known that they could do. This universe is an expression of that. “Look what I can do!” The universe marvels at itself. You should marvel at yourself. Under no circumstances should you ever sit aside and say “I’m not worthy of being so big. I’m not worthy of being so powerful.” Because you are an expression of the universe. And the universe looks at you and says, “Look what I did!” Keep that in mind.

"And it’s not out of any kind of arrogance. The universe marvels at itself because it’s overjoyed with what it has made and with what it has done and with what you are. For all of your faults, for all of your foibles, for all of your trials and tribulations, you are a unique expression of an ineffable force that simply wants to admire what it has created.

"At some point in time you will understand this. And I’m hoping that that point is now. There is not one thing about you that is wrong, there is not one thing about you that is unworthy, there is not one thing about you that needs to shrink and hide away. Everything about you is divine because it was created that way. Even your faults. Even the things that you feel like you need to hide. They’re unique expressions of you. They’re what make you who you are.

"Let yourself become big. Let your ego grow. And imagine this: you and your energy is my energy. I am not just your guide, I am you. I am that which is higher than the physical and yet within it. My energy helped create the universe, so how is it that you can feel so small when you’re truly so very vast? And know also that I am only one half of a whole. That you are part of something so large and so unknowable you could lose yourself in it and have lost yourself in it and felt the bliss of just knowing you’re part of something so large. And that you are never, ever alone. When you were a child you used to imagine yourself cradled in the palm of God’s hand. And that has never changed except that you are both yourself and the palm. And that the palm is everything and that which cannot be perceived, that which is beyond the universe, that which is beyond creation."

Channeled message from Tiamat

Welcome to a new existence; an existence wherein things are no longer as they seem. You are not merely a mortal, you are a child of divine light. You are all children of divine light. Only by realizing this shall you become that which will take you forever forward into the places of the Gods. Mortals are meant to become that which is divine, that which is sacred. Not because you are not so at this time, but because you believe yourselves not to be so. This is untrue. It is a perception error and is easily resolved. You are a God. You are the God. You are an aspect of the divine creator. All you have to do is open yourself to that reality. Good luck. With this power you will have greater responsibility because, once you have awakened, it will be your role to assist others as they themselves are awakened. You will become the masters; you will become the saints and the teachers. This is not optional, this awakening. It will occur for all mortal beings at some point in time. The only manner of choice that you have is how long you shall prolong your suffering before opening your mind and your heart. Open your heart to the divine within and the divine within all those you meet. Open your heart and you will become the light you are meant to be. The light you have always been, but have been unable to see for you have placed shutters upon your soul. Arise. Become. Be. Tiamat

Phenomenal cosmic power

Imagine for a moment that you woke up one morning and discovered that you were God. You rubbed your bleary eyes and peered around the room and realized that the only things keeping you from being powerful are limitations that you placed upon yourself. What would you do? What would you do if, later that day, you found yourself staring into the rippling wake of a pool and in crept the thought that you could walk across the water if only you accepted with unwavering conviction that you could do so?

What if you were told that the pain and misery in the world is due to the fact that people have lost touch with their divinity. That we are all Gods masquerading as mortals, and all that is needed to end the suffering of others is for each of us to see this: that we are all divine and that we are all part of the divine source.

I spent most of my life feeling small and alone, making myself this way because I thought it would protect me. I now know that this caused me to begin self-destructing: my body, my mind. I realize that I was not protecting myself, and that I was not protecting others. By denying who I am I was pulling my light from the world.

I am beginning to realize now that I am not alone, and that I was never alone, and that I will never feel alone again.

Welcome to my journey.