The last few months I've been living in a semi-permanent state of denial about things in my life that desperately need to change, the worst of these being my health. I've used stress at work as an excuse not to move forward - not to change. With perfect conviction, I've uttered all kinds of ridiculous fictions like, "I need to eat this cake because it will make me feel better and once I get things settled down at work I'll moderate my eating," or, "I'm eating drive-thru fried chicken because I'm too stressed out to cook." And I believed every word of it.
Please don't get the idea that my goal was to excuse away bad behavior in eating, because that's not the case at all. I truly don't like eating nasty fried fast food. I do enjoy cake, but only in moderation. I want to exercise because it actually makes me feel good. So, what was I trying to excuse by binge-eating? My guides knew.
Monday evening, I arrived at work early and decided to wait in my car rather than go in before my start time. I had been avoiding speaking with my guides for days because I felt a certain expectant energy with them and had been seeking to avoid confrontation. They saw straight through my bulls*#t months ago, but I hadn't been willing to go there. As I sat in my car, I succumbed to the quiet reminders to spend time with them and I sat back and closed my eyes.
And, for only the second time since Tiamat's message, I imagined my self as big as my car, as big as the parking garage, as big as the corporate campus, as big as the block, as big as the city, as big as the state, as big as the country, as big as the continent, as big as the hemisphere, as big as the world, as big as the solar system, as big as the galaxy, as big as the universe, and then I imagined my self as moving beyond the universe. Strange thing about that: up until I imagined beyond the boundaries of the universe, my self was ever expansive; but the minute that I moved beyond, everything crashed back in upon me and I was the observer. The monkey-mind remained, but the thoughts just kind of bubbled to the surface and drifted away and I watched them with unattached curiosity. It was in this state that I finally saw Tiamat in her entirety. Up until this point, I'd only ever seen parts of her but now I saw everything. She was perfect, but smaller than my awareness since I'd moved to a space that encompassed her. She nuzzled me with her maw and explained that she only appeared to have one head because my consciousness was in a space that didn't need to see her as multiple entities. She then explained that her form wasn't truly static at all, it only existed because it's what I needed to see and that she was not what I needed to see. She then morphed into Kali.
Kali, who has insisted upon taking my form the last few times I've spoken with her - not as I am, but as I am meant to be. Well. Healthy. Free from addiction and inflammation. Free from illness and self-deprecation. She smiled and sat cross-legged before me, Kali who moves between that which is and that which is not. She asked me if I am ready to invite her into me. I told her that I would like for her to help me face my day without fear and to protect me from making myself small while I'm at work, because I've been feeling so small. She nodded and told me that her idea of freeing me from fear and protecting me may be very different than what I had in mind. I told her that I am ready. She shifted and turned and sat upon my lap, her energy sinking into mine until we were one.
I opened my eyes and headed into work.
I felt taller somehow and I mentioned this to her. She laughed and told me that didn't surprise her. I wondered why no one noticed that I had such a different energy; something in me found this alarming. Most of the employees were leaving as I arrived for my night shift and there was something in their eyes, it was not recognition, it was exhaustion, it was depression, it was death. Some of them smiled at me, and in their eyes, I saw joy, but it is present in only so few. So few people with joy in their eyes.
When I arrived in the office, I approached my manager to get my seat assignment and I expected that when I opened my mouth to speak with him, a powerful voice would emit. That's not what happened. Some strange mousy voice eeked into the space and I witnessed it like I was watching a train wreck and couldn't stop it. And I was disgusted. I got some water and started my work and entered into the next few conversations expecting something different, with the same result. Nausea and a headache began to set in. I excused myself and sat in the restroom and wondered what was happening. In my gut I knew the answer. I was seeing myself, witnessing myself, without the excuses to protect me. At the time I couldn't put the feeling into words, but I now know that I saw how I was acting and I understood why I was acting that way. If I showed how powerful I was in this place, they would devour me. Not because it was a bad place, not because they were bad people, but because they desperately needed a strong energy to come in and fix things. But I was not to be that person. My energy was not meant for this task. I was in the wrong place.
That night was one for introspection. Where else in my life had I been either hiding or misappropriating my energy? How was it affecting my health? How was it affecting my spirit? Today I started making changes, which involved turning in notice at my job. Regardless of how well something pays, I can't afford to let the misuse of my energy affect my health. She's still with me, Kali, her energy simmering gently below the surface of my form. Restless. Anticipating. Ready for change. Ready to move forward.
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